This about sums up how I feel today! I just haven't felt much like blogging since the holidays (in case you didn't notice). There are many things that weigh heavy on my mind and heart lately.
1. We are required to update our
Homestudy with the Ministry of Community and Social Services in order to continue waiting for our adoption referral. I "want" to feel excited and joyous about our adoption but the truth is that after 5 years of heartbreak, waiting, and more heartbreak it is very hard to feel any sort of emotion. I worry that when (or if) we finally are able to complete this adoption that I won't "fall in love" with our daughter because of the disappointment I feel towards our "adoption experience." I also worry about my age (which is something that didn't concern me 5+ years ago when we began. Worry about having the energy to give 100% to another little person who undoubtably deserves the very best we can offer.
2. The money. There is another aspect to the adoption. One that not many talk about but also is concerning. The cost. It's a bit of a dark cloud hanging over our head right now and I'm looking for direction in regards as the best way to ensure that we will be able to travel and pay the remainder of our fees without
incurring any debt. The countless updates we've had to do as well as the "file maintenance" fee our agency has begun to charge has slowly been eating away at the money we have saved. Also, as time goes on, flights, hotels, orphanage donations, and fees for translations and guides in China have continued to rise.
3. My work. I feel like the time has come to make a change. My daycare/preschool has been successful beyond my greatest expectations but I am beginning to feel the effects of working 11 hours a day/5 days a week. I'm feeling very run down, frustrated and eager to "regain" control over my house. I actually have dreams of having a
humongous garage sale and liquidating every daycare related item! I have a potential job opportunity on the
horizon that would be great but it means a significant pay cut at a time we really cannot afford to have me working less. It also means that Claire and Evan would have to be in daycare for the summer (a concept they are NOT pleased about). As a mother I am very torn between wanting to do something for myself and the responsibility I have to my children to be emotionally and physically available to them when they need me.
4. My health. As Jan 1st dawned I made the decision to place greater priority on taking care of myself. I've
definitely let myself slip over the last few years......a few too many pounds have been added on, no time to exercise, letting the simplest things like getting a haircut slide in favour of making sure the kids are given all my attention. I've lost 15 lbs in almost 3 weeks and I truly feel empowered. Don't get me wrong. I'm totally thrilled with my progress but then today I made cookies with the kids and I fell off the wagon...........yep, I ate 2 cookies and a scoop of cookie dough!! I immediately felt sick (since I haven't had sugar or any wheat products in 3 weeks). But worse than the physical reaction to eating the cookies is the sense of failure I'm feeling. I know I need to pick myself up and keep going but that sometimes is easier said than done.
5. Parenting. One of the children is struggling a bit in their studies. As a parent you never want to see your child struggle................
6. Marriage. Always a work in progress and there are many days that I need to remember that: "he loves me even when he is mad at me."
So, welcome to my first post of 2012. Sorry, that it isn't cheery and bright. Sorry, that there are no cute pics of the kids. Because quite frankly...............I feel like..............
